LTTE: Sarcastic kudos to local public education


Having received the district report card, I would like to say kudos to the Battle Ground School District for another fine year. As proof of the results, I see that the captains of industry from McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell were all lined up eager to hire our future grads.

They were particularly impressed with the improvement in math scores from last year when 28.444% of 10th graders were proficient. This year it jumped to 28.445%. I even overheard a conversation one recruiter had with a future grad. He said, “Kid, if you have 29 French fries and drop five on the floor, how many do you have?” Not hesitating, our senior said, “Dude, just pick up the five on the floor, and you still have 29.” In utter amazement, the recruiter said, “Kid, you’re gonna go far. When can you start?”

I think it’s a great return on the $222 million they spend every year in Battle Ground schools. Of course, by their own admission, only 68% of the kids regularly attend, which translates into just under $27,000 per regular attendee. Perhaps, if we spent $37,000 per student, we could get it up to 28.446%. I was also encouraged to see that 49% of our kids can speak the King’s English. They even let me preview next year’s history exam. Here are some of the questions:

1. Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?

2. What two nations fought in the Mexican-American war?

3. What color was George Washington’s white horse?

And the math test was even better.

Question: If you have three green-haired, transgendered pro-Palestinian rock throwers, and one gets sick, who’s fault is it?

Hint: It’s Trump’s fault. It’s always Trump’s fault.

Furthermore, those dopes in the red states with their low gas prices make me sick. I am grateful for the extra $2 per gallon we pay for clean air. Heck, Washington air has even cured my lung cancer, and everyone knows our air reverses the aging process. It’s worth it. So shut up you darn conservatives. The pot holes have disappeared, I drink water directly from the Lewis River and crime has stopped. May God bless Gov. Jay Inslee and the geniuses at the Washington Department of Education.

Tom Regan